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vrijdag 12 oktober 2007

Sheep

Some time back, my dad and I were in Maastricht (a Dutch town near the Belgian border) on our way to the Bar Rock to see a local rock band play. Before we arrived at the bar we passed by a sex shop. In the display window there was the usual assortment of dildos, edible clothing and tacky lingerie. And then I saw a sex doll. You might say that was to be expected. Only … it was a plastic sheep. An inflatable sheep. And not even realistic at that (unlike the human real dolls) It had this play ball for a pool type of look to it. More triangular in shape than animal like. I could get that these things are used at universities or for bachelor parties, but let’s imagine that someone actually uses it for what it is intended. I’m of a curious nature, so I wonder. Who would buy this? If you’re into the whole bestiality/zoophilia thing wouldn’t you prefer the real deal to a plastic hole? Probably, we’re talking about someone who lives in a city. Country boys (and girls) who live nearby livestock have a greater opportunity to show their curly friends some lurv (I’ve been told that about half of the American country boys lose their virginity with Bella or Dolly). When you live in a city, you don’t always have the possibility to drive off to the countryside and whop out your best pick up lines. Besides fence hopping (effectively trespassing on property), apparently, is frowned upon within the zoophile community. Which raises another question: where do you meet nice, eligible sheep that don’t lie to you or spend all your money?

So, for the quick fix you acquire a plastic buddy. The thing is, doesn’t it take out the fun of the entire act? Is it just for the sex, or do you do it for the whole package so to say. Imagine this: before you leave your home, you put on green overalls and rubber boots. You walk out the door and smell the sweet scent of grass and manure. You approach the sheep of your choice, gently take her hind legs and shove ‘em down the boots. Before entering you run your hands through those nice curls. You get down to business and she bleats ni-i-i-i-ice. Perhaps you like to dress up as a wolf with a wool rug attached to your back, just to keep your relationship hot and spicy. Or, maybe you don’t care about all that, and you just want to get your rocks on with this woolly bitch. The guy who stays at home with his doll, does he put on his boots as well, to sort of get into the thing? I mean, doesn’t a doll kinda ruin the whole experience? But most importantly, and I ask myself this question for a number of other things as well, when he’s standing in his bedroom, wearing rubber boots, with his overall on his ankles, thrusting deep inside the lubed up gloryhole; isn’t there some point where he thinks: what the fuck am I doing?



P.S.: Steve Montana pointed out to me that for the real sick fucks out there a dashing site has been put up. After IslamTube, GodTube and YouPorn, the internet has been graced with the appearance of Beasttube. I do NOT recommend checking it out (unless you're into this sort of thing of course). I was able to watch a grand total of 30 seconds before I had enough. It's a bit like watching a car crash: you don't want to look, but you do anyway. I couldn't bring myself to watch the entire 4 minute video though. I can safely say that I do not need to see something like that ever again. The only thing I can say about this is an iteration of the above mentioned question: don't you guys ever wonder what the fuck you're doing?

Funny thing, the internet. Here we have a medium that has changed our way of sharing information, of doing business, of creating communities, that provides us with the opportunity to advance the knowledge of the human race as a whole. And what do we do most? Watch and upload porn, download movies and music, get entangled in pre-pubescent arguments on forums. Information at the fingertip, but in order to get there we have to wade through the nonsense, filth and propaganda in the dark recesses of the deep web. We could consider this a good thing as well maybe. It's all about the journey this way. Anyway, I'm getting a bit off topic here. What was I talking about? Don't do dr... No, that wasn't it. Oh, right: don't break into peoples pastures for non-consensual intimacy of the fluffy kind. Or something like that.

1 opmerking:

Calypso zei

f¨¨ing laughing my ass off!

en dan het achtergrondliedje, lol!